I think I’m so flipping cool, with my cynicism, my tattoos, the motorbike I ride to work on and the toothpick that’s constantly hanging seductively off my bottom lip.
Man, I’m such a rebel.
But then every once in a while something will come along to chisel a little crack into this ice-cold facade. Such a thing has happened this week.
Yes dear internet round-up fans, a video of a tiny hamster dressed as a little Godzilla has warmed my heart in such a way that I’m starting to question my rebellious ways; the bitter sarcasm, the wheelies, the flipping off old people as I speed down the street, kicking over bins, staying up past 10pm and so on and so forth.
Who knows what effect the sight of a fluffy, puffy cheeked little rodent devouring a miniature version of Tokyo made entirely of food will have on you?
Something positive? Perhaps. We can only sincerely hope so.
Anyway, I’ve put the aforementioned video right at the end so you have to sit through the rest of my rampant balderdash before you get to it. Hey change comes at a cost you know!
Big Pun Bird
He’s not a player, he just crushes a lot.
Big Bird here, lip-synching to Big Punisher’s 1998 super-smooth hip-hop track ‘Still Not a Player’. There are admittedly hundreds of these Sesame Street incongruous lip-sync videos, but this one is particularly joyous. Plus it’s the clean version too, so it’s entirely child-friendly.
Warning: this is a gateway track, which will inevitably lead your children to additional work by Erik B and Ernie, Jeru the Grouch, Big Elmo and The Notorious Snuffleupagus.
When you come home from work and your significant-live-in-life-partner asks you what you’ve been up to today, proudly tell them you spent at least five minutes of your working day hypnotized by 11,000 marbles rolling down a slalom.
Your significant-live-in-life-partner will then tell you they had to work through lunch to finish off some work left for them by Sandra from ad management, who forgot to add the basic tracking details needed to run a campaign properly, then had to stay two hours late because their boss messed up a buy-out, but then went home early and ignored the problem, saddling your significant-live-in-life-partner with an unholy mess to pick through.
You won’t be listening though. You’ll be thinking about marbles.
Finally, an excuse to say shit on the blog
WaterAid, the international charity that transforms lives by improving access to safe water, hygiene and sanitation, has developed a new quiz called The Incredible Quiz of Unbelievable Shit.
It’s very entertaining and tells you lots you didn’t know about the history of having a poo. You should definitely play it and support their work.
Fingers crossed that next week a charity will release an interactive web game with the ‘f-bomb’ in the title. Come on RNLI!
Combining Kung-fu cops, time-displaced Nazis, sentient arcade machines, exploding heads and David Hasselhoff in order to make quite possibly the most furiously entertaining 80s throwback ever made.
There are lots of exploding heads by the way. Lots. So if you have a thing about exploding heads (whether you hate them, are allergic to them or like them too much) then consider yourself warned.
A similar warning applies to David Hasselhoff.
How huge is Minecraft?
Yeah it’s pretty popular I guess. Oh you mean how physically massive it is? Well it doesn’t actually exist so it’s an entirely pointless question to ask. What was that? Why yes I do lash out at things I don’t understand, why do you ask?
Today in “uh… what?”
In order to prove that not all hobbies are created equally, Save the Wailes has turned a collection of My Little Ponies into characters from Mad Max: Fury Road.
Remake round-up corner
Welcome to a semi-regular feature where I’ll showcase the best fan-made remakes, reimaginings and rip-offs of their favourite big budget movies.
Expect lots of plucky kids with dreams, creative fans who wish to tell their own stories based on already established characters and entrepreneurial filmmakers who need a calling card to get a foot in the Hollywood door.
Also lots of cardboard, gaffer tape, red food dye and minor nudity.
Here’s a Super-8 remake of the original Jaws made around the time of its release, which shows a huge amount of ingenuity.
I do hope you haven’t skipped straight down to the Hamster video by the way. I’ll be very disappointed if you have.
Ash vs. Marvel Zombies
Ash from the Evil Dead films battles a bunch of Marvel superheroes turned into zombies in this surprisingly well-made and high budget short film.
Again though, not quite as good as a hamster eating a tiny helicopter hanging off some fishing wire, but still, do not skip ahead. You’ll only be cheating yourself.
This is a bit dark and largely depressing, but may appeal to you if you like Family Guy.
I have the perfect antidote for it though! It’s coming up real soon!
But just remember it won’t have the proper effect if you skip the following three-minutes of tiresome horse flogging and go straight to the Hamster, so consider yourself warned.
And finally your reward for being so good and diligently reading every single word of this article and watching every single second of video contained within. Even that Human Centipede thing from the previous video. Disgusting. I can’t believe you watched that. What the hell is wrong with you?
Anyway, here’s a tiny hamster destroying a city while dressed as the king of lizards.
Nothing will ever be the same again.