With various events such as Kim Kardashian taking off her clothes and a confusion about dress colour ‘breaking the internet’, it’s becoming increasingly clear that the internet is a much more fragile place then we previously thought.
Clearly we need to put a strategy in place. If just one person’s actions, no matter how ordinary or mundane, can result in an overloading of the internet’s circuitry then who knows what global catastrophes could occur if something moderately important happens.
It’s not a question of “if the internet breaks” but when.
So in order to prepare ourselves for this eventuality, I have created a list of ways we can deal with the aftermath of TIB (total internet breakdown).
Please feel free to print off the following and tape it over any fire safety notices in your office, it’s the most logical place people will look in a panic.
Find Tim Berners-Lee, the inventor of the internet and ask him all your vital ‘need-to-know’ questions. Like who played the reporter Jack McGee in the Incredible Hulk TV series? Or how did each of the Doctors from Doctor Who regenerate into the next? He’ll know the answers, after all he is the inventor of the internet.
No more being head-hunted through LinkedIn I’m afraid. Now you’ll have to rely on your own initiative to find a job. Cycle down to the newsagents and ask if they have any paper-rounds that pay more than 40k a year.
Instead of looking at naked strangers on the internet, get used to only looking at yourself naked. Perhaps learn an erotic dance that only you find arousing.
Visit a real-life GP and ask them to show you picture after picture of cancerous moles without listening to any of his professional advice that the brown mark on your arm is probably just some old chocolate.
Cereal boxes are an excellent source of random trivia and facts, especially about the respective nutritional value of that particular cereal. Become an expert in this field and learn how to spot the difference between each of the brand’s logos.
You’ll come in very handy the next time you go to a pub quiz that has a round on the nutritional value of cereals or a ‘name the brand of cereal based on only a small portion of its logo’ round.
That one-sixth of the prize money is as good as yours.
If you feel wronged by a shopping or restaurant experience, write your complaint on a Post-it note and pop it through their letterbox at 3am. Wait impatiently for a reply.
Pro tip: if you want all of your friends to see your complaint, write a full stop before the comment.
If you miss the feeling of looking down and staring at a smartphone while walking down the street, feel free to continue doing so, just look down at the ground instead.
Perhaps you could glue photos of meals your friends have recently eaten to your shoes for added interest. Just remember, walk in a straight line, never deviate and always assume that everyone else around you is looking out for your safety. You’ll be fine.
Welcome back to the world before Tinder! Goodbye swiping right. Hello picking up the house phone, calling the object of your affection at their parents’ home, talking to their parents, explaining who you are and what your attentions are, before hanging up the phone in terror and going back to sitting in the dark and reading cereal boxes.
Now that your smart-watch can no longer tell you who is ringing on the phone inside your pocket, I’m afraid now is finally time for you to invest in a personal assistant. But how will you advertise for the role now that the internet is broken? That’s for your new personal assistant to figure out!
If you feel the need to verbally assault a stranger from a distance while hiding behind an anonymous user name, why not try turning yourself in at the nearest police station instead.
Good luck out there! If you need any further assistance I’ll be hiding in my fallout shelter with 20 years worth of Viz back issues and all the Tunnock’s Caramel Wafers. I’ll Snapchat you the secret knock.