A warning for all internet motorists out there, if you do become dazzled by anything you see on the internet, slow down and try to avoid looking directly at it.
Also please dip your own main beam down just in case you dazzle any fellow internet users coming your way, and finally remember to drop any metaphor as soon as it becomes structurally unsound, as this one clearly did an entire paragraph ago.
Here are some of the best things we became distracted by from the internet this week…
Couldn’t be more excited about this. In fact I had to resist the urge of writing Gnome Chomsky in all-caps and using three exclamation marks. Finally celebrated commentator, philosophist, writer and all-round smart guy Noam Chomsky is available to buy in his almost literal form…
A GNOME!!! (couldn’t resist a second time).
Warning: currently out of stock as websites keep linking to it in news features (*whistles, says nothing*) so there may be some delay.
Now I will sit and wait until someone brings me a pet monkey I can call Noam Chimpsky.
The Facebook, circa 1995
Remember the mid 1990s when we had to call an operator to help set up our The Facebook account? And remember having to ship photographs to the company in order to put them on our profiles? Remember when we could only use it free for 10 hours a month?
No? Gee I guess our memories really are getting shorter.
The above parody is scarily more accurate than you think. Below is the genuine AOL advert that it’s based on…
Clickhole’s advice for writing email subject lines
- 2. Don’t include too many A’s: It’s tempting to write out “aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa,” but usually just four or five of them will suffice.
- 10. Include one of these babies ¿ in every subject line: Even if your subject is not a question, people are going to write back to ask how you typed that.
Enter the Toddler
This four-year old can accurately mimic Bruce Lee’s incredible nunchuk skills in a way that makes you think there’s no possible way to safely tell him when it’s bedtime.
A Hole-punched New World
Buzzfeed has strayed wildly into surreal territory with its collection of ‘Disney Princesses as everyday office stationery’.
Yep that’s right, here’s Cinderella as a stapler, Princess Jasmine as a pair of scissors and perhaps most bizarrely/upsettingly, Mulan as an elastic band ball.
Has anyone seen my Princess Aurora? Anyone? I left it right here to the left of my keyboard. It’s gone my name on it…
“I like this hat”
Yes it’s taken me six months to include one of these Bad Lip Reading videos in the round-up, mainly because they’ve been filling up your The Facebook wall enough as it is, however this latest NFL one is a masterpiece of absurdity.
Not quite my tempo
Sure the kid from Whiplash can drum till his fingers bleed, take endless abuse from JK Simmons and duck out the way of a stool thrown at his head but can he run on a treadmill and play Enter Sandman at the same time?
I’ve also spent the week collecting my favourite Whiplash Gifs just for this occasion, so here you go. To be used only when you really want to get the best out of someone by screaming at their face.
Every X-Person ever
You know how easy it is to fall down a Wiki-Worm-hole exploring mundane facts about things you didn’t know you cared about instead of doing something much more constructive. Like last week when I should have been writing a best practice guide to customer experience for B2B but instead spent half-an-hour looking up how every Doctor Who was killed. I don’t even like Doctor Who.
Anyway, IGN has done the easily-distracted a great service by creating handy videos containing potted histories of niche pop-culture icons, and because they’re videos, there’s a set time limit on our nerdery
Here’s an encyclopaedic journey through the entire roster of X-Men…
#1 Must have of the week
This ladle that’s in the shape of everybody’s favourite mythical beast is somehow twice as cute as The Family Ness and half as deadly.
The actual White House has reunited the entire cast of the best fake White House that never was for its latest attempt at promoting political engagement.
Here are some familiar faces from The West Wing doing some lovely cheese puns while promoting the second annual Big Block of Cheese Day. There’s also a poke at Reddit to prove that even The White House knows how messed up that place is. YOU GOUDA BELIEVE IT!
Anyone else catch American Sniper this week? No me neither. But hey just in case you’re one of the five people on Twitter that didn’t see 74 seconds of the most wooden acting in a Hollywood movie since whatever movie Kevin Costner was in last, here’s the infamous ‘fake baby’ scene in Gif form.
(You may have to refresh the page for it to play again.)
That’s literally ALL the internet had to offer this week. Come back next week when maybe the internet will starting giving away free sweets and stickers to make up for it.