Roll up, roll up, be one of the first ever brands to join these obscure yet soon-to-be-game-changing social media networks.
And don’t worry, each one of these channels will be fully monetisable, with multiple ad formats available, all of which can pop-up or completely takeover a user’s news feed as many times as you like.
These social networks are going to be so disruptive that even having only the most facile presence on them is basically a license for your brand to print money.
And by money I mean contactless digital money that hasn’t been in hundreds of filthy pockets before it lands in your equally filthy hands.
So close your Facebook page, let your Twitter account fall into disrepair, delete your Snapchat app, don’t even bother finishing your Ello registration (oh you didn’t start) and give all of these a go instead.
Nrcissist, the all-selfie-all-the-time social network, full of young singles looking for a meaningful relationship with themselves.
Vandl, the social network for people who like to break the seats off public toilets and generally get up to ‘no good’.
Riddl, the social network that doesn’t operate on any technological device. To join you must go to your nearest woodland area, find a tree with a hollow in it and scream into the dark hole your username, password, security question, mother’s maiden name, telephone number and address. Then just wait for further instructions. Ridl is currently running a deal on sponsored posts and has slashed its CPM in half till the end of the month, so it’s well worth getting involved.
Punishr, the social network that automatically gives you an electric shock if you check your phone while talking to someone in real life.
Tinkr, the social network developed for the sole use of Lovejoy’s friend.
Trackr, the social network for fans of disappointing snack bars forced on them by parents who just won’t listen to your cries that you want a Mars bar instead.
Tractr, the social network for lonely farmhands. Although there was a small admin error when purchasing the domain name, so Tractr’s URL is actually Trackr.com leaving the social network Trackr no other option than to use Tractr.com.
Bindl, the social network for hobos and other transients. You can join by daubing a shop doorway or boxcar with a specific mark. The mark changes from town to town.
DarthVadr, the social network for brutal despotic maniacs who operate on an almost fictional level of villainy. To join you must be feared in more than seven galaxies.
Papl, the social network for current popes, retired popes and those in the running to be the pope. It’s a fun group as you can imagine.
Rolx, the smart-watch-only social network. Interact with your friends with instant messages that can only be 12 characters long and typed with voice activation. You must be able to prove you earn over £75k to join.
Dunkr. Do you like basketball? Do you like biscuits? Do you like both basketball and biscuits? Great, we have just the social network for you. Do you like either basketball or biscuits but not both? Then get the hell out of here.
Losr, the social network for people who aren’t allowed to join Dunkr.
Fadr, do you sleep in till around 4pm? Do you earn £50,000 for two hours work? Does your music regularly soundtrack reality TV shows about rich teens learning about what a plumber does for a living? You must be a professional DJ! Here have a social network to look at when you’re not busy fiddling with a bunch of dials and buttons on a mixer despite there being no audible change to the music you’re playing.
Tindr, the social network for arsonists. There are currently multiple legal problems with this one, so approach with caution.