Winning a double award for longest and least SEO friendly headline used on the blog this decade is… me! Hooray. I always knew I had it in me.
As Deputy Editor I am subject to hundreds of unsolicited guest articles from various PR agencies and random chancers.
The quality of these unsolicited articles varies wildly, but one sure way of being marked for the spam folder is if the article takes the form of an interminably lengthy metaphor, whereby a discipline of digital marketing is compared to something in pop culture, a historical figure or an equally unrelated inanimate object.
To give you some examples of this, I’ll open my email folder entitled only publish if very desperate or trying to get fired and let you peek inside…
Why Content Management Systems are the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
Data management software: handy like a spork and just as underrated
If programmatic buying were a fictional street, it would be Sesame St. and Demand Side Platforms its Snuffleupagus
Black Hat? White Hat? How SEO became Fred Durst’s red baseball cap without anyone noticing
The Fall Guy: everyone always blames poor UX for lack of conversion, but why don’t we try blaming the unknown stunt man instead
How Czar Nicholas II would use Pinterest
If digital marketing is the new rock and roll, how can you become its Mark E Smith?
Facebook and Twitter: a relationship as complicated as Liz Taylor and Richard Burton [infographic]
How link-building became the Janice of SEO if SEO were the television show Friends and further to this if Local SEO is Central Perk, internal linking is Ross and keyword stuffing is that monkey
Retargeting the Vlad the Impaler way
The Dowager Countess of Grantham wouldn’t multivariate test like that, and neither should you
How to Mo Farrah-ize your agile marketing capabilities without moving from your sofa
Marketing Automation: 10 things we must learn from Skynet and one or two things we should probably just ignore and hope they go away on their own
I like Big Data and I cannot lie: What Sir-Mix-A-Lot got wrong about analytics
Attribution = a brand new pair of uncomfortable underpants
Storytelling lessons from The Overlook Hotel: why The Shining is the perfect template for your own brand’s story
Rod, Jane and Freddy: what they can tell us about Paid, Earned and Owned media
Apple is the garlic press of being good at product launches
Bill Withers on user experience
17 Pinterest boards that Dorothy Parker would hate
Peter Beardsley. He’s a bit like Native Advertising isn’t he? It’s a bit of a stretch, but stick with us
10 key learnings about customer retention from Buffalo Bill
Why Pizza Hut should be more like a laundry basket on Twitter, no wait… a box of cotton buds… no, hang on, a bedside table. Hmmm, it’s probably obvious which room of my house I’m writing this headline in.
When it comes to growth hacking you should be more Jason Voorhees
CRO, CRM, CEM, CPM, CPH, CX, CAC, CPC, CMS, CR, CTA, CTR and CSNY