I'm currently writing this introduction to our weekly round-up of internet distractions while running the social media account from yesterday's Future of Digital Marketing event.

Don’t tell anyone though. People will start to believe I can do more than one thing at a time and that’s just going to lead to a lot of unnecessary hassle.

However despite trying my hardest to keep my head down, my subconscious was still being filled up with all sorts of fascinating insight into the future of digital marketing from the various pioneers talking on stage. 

So I thought I might as well make use of this knowledge and share the most salient marketing prognostications with you all now.

I think I heard them correctly.

Predictions for the future of digital marketing

2016: We will no longer refer to content as content.

2017: We still won't have thought of a better name for content. Instead we’ll have spent the last 12 months just pointing at videos and articles on a screen and saying “thingy”

2018: Pointing and saying “thingy” will be referred to as a ‘cannonball’ by someone at the Wall Street Journal as a joke, but the joke will stick and everyone will start calling it that but without knowing why or understanding the original inside reference.

2019: Proliferation of articles titled Cannonballs are King.

2020: Proliferation of articles titled Cannonballs are Dead.

2021: Tech companies will develop their own automatic cannonball delivery systems, known as cannons, which are able to deliver highly personalised cannonballs across the world instantly to readers.

2022: Cannonballs are banned by most international governments.

2023: The internet is replaced by jelly.

2024: Jelly is ruined with full-page pop-up ads, illegal cannonball recommendation sites, native advertising and frozen chunks of raspberry.

2025: Someone eats the jelly. Back to square one.

It’s a startling vision of the future, I think you'll agree.

Jurassic Pork

Sausage Party remade the Jurassic World trailer with hot dog wieners and chicken nuggets.

Oh like you do anything better with your spare time.

#DistractinglySexy

Nobel Prize winner Tim Hunt was quoted as saying this week:

Three things happen when [women] are in the lab: You fall in love with them, they fall in love with you and when you criticize them, they cry.

Then Hunt apologised for his baffling stupidity in the most half-arsed way possible: 

[making these comments was] a very stupid thing to do in the presence of all those journalists.

Then he quit. But this was far from the best outcome. Oh no, the reaction from non-sexist scientific community ended up being one of the funniest, most withering and brilliantly sarcastic hashtags ever created. 

Mad Max: Bijou Road 

Say goodbye to your eyebrows and any nearby small animals by building your very own flame-thrower ukulele in honour of that guitarist from the new Mad Max film.

Adult and paramedic supervision required.

 I feel like Blue Valentine would have been very different if Gosling had one of these. 

“Of course, I’m a Terminator!”

Here’s Shea Serrano on Grantland with a thorough and definitive history of Arnold Schwarzenegger one-liners.

They range from the bad to the… uh… hmm…

How much would it cost to build a Jurassic Park?

Better start saving. I can chip in a fiver and a few goats.

ToS;DR

Terms of Service; Didn’t Read is a helpful browser add-on that reads all the lengthy terms and conditions of all those various web-based plug-ins and updates that you never bother reading and dispenses the important positive and negative information in handy bullet-point form.

What it would have made of that above sentence is anybody’s guess.

Give it a go. Here’s what it made of Twitter.

Missed out ‘will subject you to Kate Upton sponsored tweet upwards of 58 times a day.’

Killer Queen 

Many conspiracy theories abound as to whether this was an ordered hit or a complete accident. Either way, if you're about to meet the queen, you'd better nail that curtsey.

Part doughnut, part sausage, all gross 

Behold the ‘dausage’, food science’s cruellest mistake. Currently under one-fifth of its Kickstarter goal. Let’s keep it that way people.

One dance, 100 locations

And at the other end of the ‘dausage to cool actual good stuff’ scale, there’s this little three minute blast of triumphance…

Careful, he could pop up anywhere at any moment. LIKE RIGHT BEHIND YOU NOW LOOK LOOK LOOK.

Aw, you were too late.

Christopher Ratcliff

Published 12 June, 2015 by Christopher Ratcliff

Christopher Ratcliff is the editor of Methods Unsound. He was the Deputy Editor of Econsultancy. You can follow him on Twitter or connect via Google+ and LinkedIn

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