Winning a double award for longest and least SEO friendly headline used on the blog this decade is… me! Hooray. I always knew I had it in me.

As Deputy Editor I am subject to hundreds of unsolicited guest articles from various PR agencies and random chancers. 

The quality of these unsolicited articles varies wildly, but one sure way of being marked for the spam folder is if the article takes the form of an interminably lengthy metaphor, whereby a discipline of digital marketing is compared to something in pop culture, a historical figure or an equally unrelated inanimate object.

To give you some examples of this, I’ll open my email folder entitled only publish if very desperate or trying to get fired and let you peek inside...

Why Content Management Systems are the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Data management software: handy like a spork and just as underrated

If programmatic buying were a fictional street, it would be Sesame St. and Demand Side Platforms its Snuffleupagus

Black Hat? White Hat? How SEO became Fred Durst’s red baseball cap without anyone noticing

The Fall Guy: everyone always blames poor UX for lack of conversion, but why don’t we try blaming the unknown stunt man instead

How Czar Nicholas II would use Pinterest 

If digital marketing is the new rock and roll, how can you become its Mark E Smith?

Facebook and Twitter: a relationship as complicated as Liz Taylor and Richard Burton [infographic]

How link-building became the Janice of SEO if SEO were the television show Friends and further to this if Local SEO is Central Perk, internal linking is Ross and keyword stuffing is that monkey

Retargeting the Vlad the Impaler way

The Dowager Countess of Grantham wouldn’t multivariate test like that, and neither should you

How to Mo Farrah-ize your agile marketing capabilities without moving from your sofa

Marketing Automation: 10 things we must learn from Skynet and one or two things we should probably just ignore and hope they go away on their own

I like Big Data and I cannot lie: What Sir-Mix-A-Lot got wrong about analytics

Attribution = a brand new pair of uncomfortable underpants

Storytelling lessons from The Overlook Hotel: why The Shining is the perfect template for your own brand’s story

Rod, Jane and Freddy: what they can tell us about Paid, Earned and Owned media

Apple is the garlic press of being good at product launches

Bill Withers on user experience

17 Pinterest boards that Dorothy Parker would hate

Peter Beardsley. He’s a bit like Native Advertising isn’t he? It’s a bit of a stretch, but stick with us

10 key learnings about customer retention from Buffalo Bill

Why Pizza Hut should be more like a laundry basket on Twitter, no wait… a box of cotton buds… no, hang on, a bedside table. Hmmm, it’s probably obvious which room of my house I’m writing this headline in.

When it comes to growth hacking you should be more Jason Voorhees

CRO, CRM, CEM, CPM, CPH, CX, CAC, CPC, CMS, CR, CTA, CTR and CSNY

More hard-hitting journalism…

Christopher Ratcliff

Published 3 July, 2015 by Christopher Ratcliff

Christopher Ratcliff is the editor of Methods Unsound. He was the Deputy Editor of Econsultancy. You can follow him on Twitter or connect via Google+ and LinkedIn

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Comments (4)

Charlotte Farquharson

Charlotte Farquharson, Project Manager at EconsultancyStaff

Let's be honest, nobody underrates sporks. All the bowl shaped convenience of a spoon with all the impaling action of a fork. Who doesn't rate that?

over 2 years ago

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Raquel Hirsch, Senior Online Demand Generation Strategist at HSI

Excuse me! I *most* certainly would read "The Dowager Countess of Grantham wouldn’t multivariate test like that, and neither should you"

over 2 years ago

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Jennie Fisher, Digital Marketing Manager at Provident Personal Credit

Agreed Rachel. I'd read pretty much anything which is remotely related to Downton #addict

over 2 years ago

Morgan Jones

Morgan Jones, Digital Manager at Freestone Creative

Growth hacking and Jason Voorhees. Ha ha! That reference would be lost on a generation. Apart from that these headlines are revealing for the fact that it's all getting a bit silly isn't it? Digital content is the new quackery, selling snake oil to an unsuspecting public.

over 2 years ago

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