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I wrote a previous post on digital marketing clichés that was unexpectedly well received, so I'm writing a second to include the remaining lines that I couldn't put in the first one - with a focus on more general sayings this time.
So, without further ado, here are ten more jargon-fuelled crackers.
All intended in balance-redressing humour, once again:
1. We need to be more agile
Should only really be said by gymnasts or yoga instructors.
Used: This one is usefully multi-purpose, it can be barked out in any situation and somehow sound meaningful.
Used by: Anyone who wants to sound decisive.
Actually means: This line has literally no meaning. It's just sounds.
2. Can we do some 'traditional' linkbuilding?
Hesitantly whispered, rather than said.
Used: When the 'organic' links have failed to materialise.
Used by: Account managers and strategic leads.
Usually means: F*** it! Let's get some old-skool paid links and directory submissions!
3. 20XX: The year of the cloud/mobile/convergence etc.
As reliably persistent as your own face.
Used: When it's the end of the year or a new year has begun.
Used by: This one's used by almost everyone at some point.
Usually means: 20XX: NOT yet the year of the cloud/mobile/convergence etc.
4. This content (project etc.) needs more added value
Please be more specific.
Used: When the usually superfluous point of making something more 'valuable' needs to be, well, added.
Used by: This ones really unpredictable, it can spring forth like a ninja from the mouth of someone you'd least expect it from.
Usually means: Let's just do the job well.
5. Can we talk everyone through the deck?
Used: When said 'deck' has just been built.
Used by: Managers and middle managers.
Usually means: Let's use an hour or so of time treading through this sixty-two slide Powerpoint presentation, when we could probably be getting on with some other stuff that would actually make said 'deck' a lot better.
6. Let's try and get this to go viral
Semi-shouted in a brief moment of hysteria.
Used: When a garish infographic for Steve's Miniature Bonsais has just been produced.
Used by: Any humble witness to said infographic's viral potency.
Usually means: Let's send out a few haphazard tweets and 'shout outs' then calm down and get on with some other work.
7. I need you to be at level 10
Dystopian; mildly terrifying. Reminiscent of a Scientology meeting.
Used: Before important meetings, or after a training session where this kind of lazy thinking has been imparted.
Used by: anyone in charge of a given situation or group of people.
Actually means: I would like you to abandon and defy your natural human instincts, and begin behaving on an arbitrary scale of 1 to 10.
8. These comments are my own
No one ever says this when they answer the phone.
Used: When a strangely apologetic caveat is needed for personal opinions, mainly on Twitter.
Used by: A wide range of people who don't usually need the disclaimer.
Usually means: My employer might be polluting some of these comments.
9. We're just not communicating well enough in here...
Said so painfully seriously that it arouses immediate suspicion.
Used: Whenever something important has been miscommunicated.
Used by: Whoever's most affected or has to answer to the client (while the rest of the office looks on sheepishly).
Usually means: EITHER let's hastily install some reactionary social technologies that we'll stop using in a fortnight OR let's all cram into the boardroom more often, even when the office policy on hats needs to be discussed.
9. This is earned media/ 10. Inbound marketing
Two very promising young digital marketing clichés.
Used: By anyone tired of the tired old clichés.
Used when: The tired old clichés need to be replaced by new-fangled clichés.
Usually means: Too early to say, but the meaning's being lost already.
There are a load more - including a plethora of lines around innovation and collaboration (two words that I now associate with doom) - but I think I've exhausted this idea now.
I feel emotionally drained, but purged. This is as good as going travelling.
But have I missed anything? Have I been too harsh? Have I not been harsh enough? Is this hubris? Any 'favourite' lines to share that I've missed?