I wrote a previous post on digital marketing clichés that was unexpectedly well received, so I’m writing a second to include the remaining lines that I couldn’t put in the first one – with a focus on more general sayings this time.

So, without further ado, here are ten more jargon-fuelled crackers.

All intended in balance-redressing humour, once again:

1. We need to be more agile

Should only really be said by gymnasts or yoga instructors.

Used: This one is usefully multi-purpose, it can be barked out in any situation and somehow sound meaningful.

Used by: Anyone who wants to sound decisive.

Actually means: This line has literally no meaning. It’s just sounds.

2. Can we do some ‘traditional’ linkbuilding?

Hesitantly whispered, rather than said.

Used: When the ‘organic’ links have failed to materialise.

Used by: Account managers and strategic leads.

Usually means: F*** it! Let’s get some old-skool paid links and directory submissions!

3. 20XX: The year of the cloud/mobile/convergence etc.

As reliably persistent as your own face.

Used: When it’s the end of the year or a new year has begun.

Used by: This one’s used by almost everyone at some point.

Usually means: 20XX: NOT yet the year of the cloud/mobile/convergence etc.

4. This content (project etc.) needs more added value

Please be more specific.

Used: When the usually superfluous point of making something more ‘valuable’ needs to be, well, added.

Used by: This ones really unpredictable, it can spring forth like a ninja from the mouth of someone you’d least expect it from.

Usually means: Let’s just do the job well.

5. Can we talk everyone through the deck?

…DECK!?

Used: When said ‘deck’ has just been built.

Used by: Managers and middle managers.

Usually means: Let’s use an hour or so of time treading through this sixty-two slide Powerpoint presentation, when we could probably be getting on with some other stuff that would actually make said ‘deck’ a lot better.

6. Let’s try and get this to go viral

Semi-shouted in a brief moment of hysteria.

Used: When a garish infographic for Steve’s Miniature Bonsais has just been produced.

Used by: Any humble witness to said infographic’s viral potency.

Usually means: Let’s send out a few haphazard tweets and ‘shout outs’ then calm down and get on with some other work.

7. I need you to be at level 10

Dystopian; mildly terrifying. Reminiscent of a Scientology meeting.

Used: Before important meetings, or after a training session where this kind of lazy thinking has been imparted.

Used by: anyone in charge of a given situation or group of people.

Actually means: I would like you to abandon and defy your natural human instincts, and begin behaving on an arbitrary scale of 1 to 10.

8. These comments are my own

No one ever says this when they answer the phone. 

Used: When a strangely apologetic caveat is needed for personal opinions, mainly on Twitter.

Used by: A wide range of people who don’t usually need the disclaimer.

Usually means: My employer might be polluting some of these comments.

9. We’re just not communicating well enough in here…

Said so painfully seriously that it arouses immediate suspicion. 

Used: Whenever something important has been miscommunicated.

Used by: Whoever’s most affected or has to answer to the client (while the rest of the office looks on sheepishly).

Usually means: EITHER let’s hastily install some reactionary social technologies that we’ll stop using in a fortnight OR let’s all cram into the boardroom more often, even when the office policy on hats needs to be discussed.

9. This is earned media/ 10. Inbound marketing

Two very promising young digital marketing clichés.

Used: By anyone tired of the tired old clichés.

Used when: The tired old clichés need to be replaced by new-fangled clichés.

Usually means: Too early to say, but the meaning’s being lost already.

There are a load more – including a plethora of lines around innovation and collaboration (two words that I now associate with doom) – but I think I’ve exhausted this idea now.

I feel emotionally drained, but purged. This is as good as going travelling.

But have I missed anything? Have I been too harsh? Have I not been harsh enough? Is this hubris? Any ‘favourite’ lines to share that I’ve missed?