Thanks to the London tube strikes, I could take full advantage of working from home this week.

Working from home is great. You get to save some money, you can have a bit of a lie in, eat all the leftovers in the fridge, listen to records, be distracted by your confused pet who is wondering what the hell you are doing home and you can forget about personal hygiene for the entire day.

You will never truly know exactly how many articles on the Econsultancy blog were written this week while the author was in their underpants.

Unfortunately by the time you get to your second day working from home, things start to go a little bit wayward. Laziness sets in, boredom takes root and you start to realise how annoying a cat can be if you spend two solid days wishing it could just TELL YOU WHAT IT ACTUALLY WANTS RATHER THAN JUST STARING AT YOU AND MIAOWING.

And then you realise you haven’t talked to anyone human for 48 hours and perhaps it would be best if you stopped wearing pyjamas long into the afternoon and that there’s only so much Storage Hunters UK you can take in one week.

Also, and probably more importantly, work ends up becoming more difficult because you don’t necessarily have the correct resources available to you.

For instance, this week I was charged with compiling the stats round-up, our weekly guide to all the most interesting digital and marketing statistics from the last seven days.

Only because I’ve been at home, I haven’t been able to access the vast Econsultancy databank of… uh… data which is at our exclusive disposal in the office. 

Think of the Econsultancy databank as a giant supercomputer covered in dials and levers. Or Bertha if you will.

So I had had no access to Bertha and no access to the stats. Therefore I had to do what all good journalists do when they are forced to think on their feet in a sticky situation: I came up with a creative solution to my problem…

I created this week’s digital marketing stats round-up myself, based on the opinions of the people and the animals that live in and around my flat. 

(Sample size: one wife, one cat, various door-to-door salespeople, two takeaway menu delivery people, a deeply impatient postman and whoever stopped in the street when I screamed at them through the window)

Luckily the new guy Jack  swooped in and rescued the stats round-up this week, so I never got around to using the ill-gotten examples below. However I thought I would share them with you anyway, as you never know when an entirely invented stat will come in handy.

Actually I do know. Based on my sample, 40% of respondents think that a made-up stat will come in handy at some point in their lives.

Here are some more key learnings

95% of people surveyed don’t really know what it is I actually do for a living

100% of respondents have only ever opened a marketing email from a brand by accident.

When asked whether personalisation would encourage you to open a marketing email, 5% of respondents replied:

Look man, I just deliver the post, leave me alone. I hate email.

100% have watched a film in their home this week, but if pressed for any more granular plot details about the film other than its title, they couldn’t because they were too busy looking up its actors on IMDB.

10% of respondents have a Twitter account.

Of that 10%, 5% uses Twitter regularly but hate themselves for it, the other 5% uses it to openly complain to British Gas on a monthly basis.

80% of respondents would happily go back to using a Nokia 3310, mainly because the screen of their iPhone shattered within a month of receiving one and they didn’t take out the phone insurance.

One respondent remarked:

I miss my Nokia 3310 so much. I could throw it against a brick wall and it would still be fine. This piece of [expletive deleted] iPhone… I’m stuck with this broken [expletive deleted] thing for another 19 months.

5% of respondents can’t spell programatic properly. This is an anonymous survey, so I can’t reveal which 5% that happens to be.

When asked what analytics software they use to measure web traffic to their site, 10% of respondents smiled politely and carried on walking.

60% of respondents would be happy for their online purchases to be delivered by a singing telegram.

Here’s the breakdown of our respondents’ preferred ecommerce delivery methods:

  • Free next day delivery: 100%
  • Free immediate delivery: 100%
  • Singing telegram: 60%
  • Singing telegram wearing an erotic clown costume (respondent not asked any further questions): 5%
  • Unmarked bag left under the wheel-arch of a car: 5%
  • Fired out of a cannon: 5%
  • Drone: 5%
  • Pigeon: 5%
  • Pigeon-drone hybrid: 5%

55% of respondents think that Nick Grimshaw will make a fine X Factor judge. 

Solid day’s work, guys. High-fives all round.

More hard-hitting journalism…