With the prefix ‘The Uber of’ bandied around like so much trodden-in-the-dirt confetti, let’s take a look at what the phrase actually means…

This always online, mobile-first culture of the modern world has led to a connection economy. Some of the most successful start-ups in recent years basically just provide a service that connects one person who has X (a car, a spare-room, a half-eaten chocolate bar) with somebody who doesn’t have X (normally me, I’ll take all three thanks).

However if you ask any cab-driver what ‘The Uber of’ means, they’ll tell you it describes “a company putting other established firms out of business through sabotage and exploitation of workers, and unfairly ripping off punters at peak times also are you going to finish that chocolate bar?”

So with this in mind, let’s take a look at some of the amazing, money-spinning start-ups that I’ll be launching throughout the year, that everyone from The Guardian to… uh, well, me… are sure to describe as ‘The Uber of something or other’.

Blaze – The Uber of not wanting stuff to be on fire anymore

If you have something on fire that you no longer want to be on fire anymore, use Blaze to hook up with someone that has some spare water or a blanket.

Finally we can put that lousy, no-good, greedy fire brigade out of business once and for all.

Bru – The Uber of having a cup of tea

I have an empty cup and a thirst, you have nothing better to do than make me a cup of tea right now. Hey let’s collabo. You have to pay me though. I’m not sure why that’s the case, but I assure you the business model is sound.

Umlaut – The Uber of punctuation

My re-appropriated German words don’t have any dots above the vowels, you seem to have loads of spare dots lying around, I want them, give them to me.

Thänks.

Luv – The Uber of sending a love letter to your intended

Like Tinder, but you know, for kids. Luv ranks all of your schoolyard chums in order of trustworthiness and picks the one friend who you can rely on the most to deliver a love letter to the object of your affection discreetly and not stand up on the school bus and read your poem out loud to everyone you know. God damn you, David Preston, it still stings.

Chubz – The Uber of personal training

You’re overweight, Bradley is not overweight. Pay Bradley money and he will come and scream at you until you’re thinner.

Surge-pricing will be in effect every Wednesday for the three hour period after Bake Off.

Motiveless – The Uber of ‘fixing’ your enemies

If you have someone in your life causing you problems, use this app to have a stranger ‘fix’ those problems at the source.

Not to be confused with the similar StrangersOnATrain or ThrowMommaFromATrain apps.

Small print: you will have to provide a similar service for the stranger. There is 50/50 chance your experience won’t end well.

Spade – The Uber of spades

You need a spade, I might have one lying around. Oh it’s a shovel, sorry bad luck. This one needs a lot of seed money to get started, so please get in touch.

Meta – The Uber of Uber

You have the Uber app for ordering cabs, I need a cab and I don’t have the Uber app. Meta lets me ring any person within a three-feet radius to ask them to order me a cab using Uber, providing they also have the Meta app.

Metattack – The Uber of Meta

Forces a download of the Meta app on all switched-on phones within a three-feet radius. 

More hard-hitting journalism…